A Pirate's Life Isn't For Me
by xGHOST69
Summary: An overall POTC hater is forced to go to a premier of the third movie. During which she falls asleep and is sent to the place she despises! Will she change her mind about pirates? Or will she try to mess around with the movie? SELF-INSERT. NO ROMANCE
1. Hi, I'm Marilyn, and I hate Pirates

**A Pirate's Life Isn't For Me**

**SUMMERY: **

An overall POTC hater is forced to go to a premier of the third movie. During which she falls asleep and is sent to the place she despises! Will she change her mind about pirates? Or will she try to mess around with the movie? SELF-INSERT. NO ROMANCES

**DISCLAIMER: ****I don't own POTC. I wish I did though. **

**A/N: **I want this to be the most realistic self-insert series on POTC. Since I can't really predict other people's actions, I'm going to literally put myself in the story because I know what I would do in those situations. Of course, if I hated the movie. I'm sick of all the I LOVE PIRATES AND I GOT SENT INTO THE MOVIE ones. So I thought "what if someone HATED the movie and got sent into it?" Obviously there would be a lot of humorous moments. Anyways, enjoy!

* * *

Chapter one: Prologue

Ever had those kinds of friends that they all love and obsess over something you hate? Well that's my dilemma at this moment. Jeanette, and Danielle are my two best friends. I love them _a lot_, like any best friend should. But let's just face it, their obsession with Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom and Pirates of the Caribbean is sickening. There isn't one day where they don't mention it, and if they don't, I'm being reminded of their addiction by their Clair's merchandise (POTC book bags, socks, necklaces, bracelets, _underwear_…)

Don't get me wrong, I'm a Depp and Bloom fan, but I think they've done much better works than _Pirates of The Caribbean._

So, like any good best friend, I let Jeanette and Danielle talk me into going to the first screening of the last film. Thank God. Let's hope they don't make a fourth, or I may die.

"Stop acting like such a baby, Marilyn," Jeanette says as we climb the mountain of stairs to the top row of soda-sticky seats.

"I'm not acting like a baby," I retort. I know I was acting like a baby, complaining about all this, so I stopped complaining about it. They did agree to come with me to a house party after this.

See, I'm not the kind of girl that has a fandom. I think the Disney/Family channel is for naive simple-minds, and I don't listen to one specific band genre. To tell you the truth I never really like boy bands, or any kind of rock band. I'm more of a house, techno, jungle, trance, dance kind of person. Yeah I'm a party girl, bitches.

I'm probably the complete opposite of my friends in every way. I don't have plain straight hair, that seemed to be an over growing trend since 2001. I don't wear Ugg Boots, or Apple Bottom jeans, or Converse sneakers. I don't think piercings are hot, and I think tattoos should be private, and meaningful, not cute and show-off-y.

My hair is a very layered bob hair cut. It's not dyed in a super cool hair colour or anything, just plain ol' brown. My eyes are gray, and my skin is pastey white, not ivory like the photoshoped whores on Myspace. I really do get pimples, people, so it's not even a smooth pastey white colour either. Now, a lot of people have weight issues, and mine is that I'm over weight. I'm around 180 pounds, and not getting any skinnier. My attire is worse than my face, but I like it. I usually wear just baggy rip jeans and a tank top, but now as I sit my ass in this sticky chair, I'm wearing my plaid pajama pants and my black ELEMENT hoodie, and men's construction boots. As you can see I like to dress for occasions. For crappy movies, I dress like I had a 5 day cocaine binge.

So the movie started, and right off the bat it was boring as fuck. After the first 5 minutes of the movie, I fell asleep

* * *

**A/N: Sorry that was so short, but I want to get that out of the way. Also, I know I'm neglecting my sweeney duties, but at the moment, I haven't had any inspiration to continue Care For a Shave. And now, I really felt the need to make a selt insert, and this one has been sitting in my Documents for a while. I'm not done it, I've only done a few chapters, so I won't update this frequiently. Once every week and half or two, at most. School is starting soon, which always encourages me to write for some reason, so I hope that's good news for you all :P**

**Anyway, I hope you like how this one sounds so far. Happy Readings xoxox**


	2. Haggard Morning

**A Pirate's Life Isn't For Me**

**SUMMERY: **

An overall POTC hater is forced to go to a premier of the third movie. During which she falls asleep and is sent to the place she despises! Will she change her mind about pirates? Or she decide to mess around with the movie? SELF-INSERT. NO ROMANCE

**DISCLAIMER: ****I don't own POTC. I wish I did though. **

**A/N: **I want this to be the most realistic self-insert series on POTC. Since I can't really predict other people's actions, I'm going to literally put myself in the story because I know what I would do in those situations. Of course, if I hated the movie. I'm sick of all the I LOVE PIRATES AND I GOT SENT INTO THE MOVIE ones. So I thought "what if someone HATED the movie and got sent into it?" Obviously there would be a lot of humorous moments. Anyways, enjoy!

Chapter two: Haggard morning.

Wow, I had a really good sleep. It was so deep I could've sworn that I have died and not cared.

I stretch like a cat and yawn loudly, my eyes still shut because the light was bizarrely bright this morning. It took me a minute or too to realize that my mattress was also bizarrely bumpy and hard this morning.

Forcing my eyes to open, with the exception of a few blinks, I look around me. I was laying on a lot of grass under a tree in front of a beach. That's when I remembered that I went to that house party yesterday. Holy shit, how shit-faced was I last night? I barely remember even leaving the theatre to go to the party, or even changing clothes.

I looked down at my body to see if my clothes were still on. They were, but even oddly enough they were the same plaid pajama pants, construction boots, and black hoodie I wore to the theatre. _Oh my God, people probably thought I was such an idiot yesterday._

I stood up and started to wonder where the heck I was. I know that the house that the party was at is near the lake, but the smell of the water was different now. It was more salty, and there were more seagulls flying around than at the lake. All around me were trees, so I decided to walk through them, maybe I just passed out while walking around.

Then it hit me.

If I drank, and don't remember jack shit, than why don't I have a headache? It couldn't be a date-rape drug, since I would have felt something in the morning. But nothing. No headache. No dizziness. My breath didn't even smell like liquor.

I found my bag hanging from a branch, and I quickly grabbed it. It was a pretty normal black back-pack with a few patches ironed onto it. Things that said stuff like "Homophobia sucks, and not in a good way," or "JACKASS," or "PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals." And others were pictures of tripped out things, like mushrooms, marijuana leaves, peace signs, happy faces, and a giant Charlie Manson patch in the middle. All I had in this bag was a sketchbook, a book called _The Historian_ (something I need to read for school) by Elizabeth Kostova, a box of tampons, bottled water, my gym shorts and shirt, and a pencil case.

After walking for about 10 minutes I finally stepped into civilization. Did civilization always looked like this? I looked around seeing that all the houses were poorly made with moldy stones and a poor wooden roof. The streets were gravel and the people looked extremely Amish, or something. There was no cars in sight, or street lights. Maybe I just came upon an Amish community. Holy shit, how far did I travel from the party?

As soon as I stepped onto the gravel path way, all eyes were on me. Then traveled from my over-sized boots, to my baggy pajama pants, to my large hoodie, and finally at my messy hair. I probably look like a meth addict, or some pedophile.

I continue to walk down the gravel street, trying to ignore all the odd stares and the occasional gasp.

I was starting to get fed up with all this staring, though I shut my mouth and kept on walking. Looking up a head I could see a port. I walk further, and the trees that were blocking most of my view got out of the way.

I wonder if I look like a cartoon, because my jaw just dropped to the floor. Ahead of me was a large (to me, anyway) ship that looked like it just crawled out of the 19th century. I walked closer and look around. Did we always have a cliff in these parts? And just bobbing in the water next to that large cliff was another massive ship.

Okay, did Danielle and Jeanette drag me to some pirate convention in British Columbia, or something? Seriously, I am like, trippin' out.

I saw some men up a head dressed up like the Queen's navy and decided I'll ask them what the hell was going on. As soon as I set foot on the wood, they turned to me. At first they stared at me the exact same way as those Amish people did, but as I walked closer they rose their large antique guns.

"S'cuse me, miss, but this dock is off-limits," the fatter of the two said.

I put my hands on my hips, "Well, I just wanted to ask you a question."

"Oh," they both put down their guns, but didn't take their hands off of them, "what is it then, miss?" I could tell that they didn't want to say anything about my attire, so I didn't try to make a smart remark about it either.

"Could you tell me what's going on here? And where am I?"

They both looked at each other uncertainly, "Why, miss, you're in Port Royal, you are. And Today is Norrington's promotion to Commodore!"

I bridge my eyebrows together, "Port Royal? Commodore Norrington?" That's when realization over came me. "Oh, I get it. Danielle and Jeanette put you up to this didn't they? They organized this whole thing as punishment for takings cracks at their fandom, didn't they? Ah you can tell me!" I didn't notice their odd looks, but if I did, they probably were considering that I had no sanity. I turned around and started shouting: "JEANETTE! DANIELLE! Y'ALL CAN COME OUT NOW!"

I turned back around to the two soldiers, "You guys are good actors by the way. Splitting image of those two guys from the movie. By God, you really do look exactly like them."

They looked at me oddly but didn't say anything. When the fat one opened his mouth to make a comment, the skinny one spotted something, or rather someone behind me.

"Hey! This dock is off-limits to civilians!" The skinny one shouted to who ever was behind me.

I turn around and I should've known that I'd see some jerk dressed up as Jack Sparrow. The man turned around to look at the two soldiers.

That's when I froze on the spot.

"I'm terribly sorry, I didn't know. If I see one, I shall inform you immediately," _he _says.

"Oh my God," I gasped as I walked over to the three men and pointed a finger at the man in front of me. "You're Johnny Depp!"

"I am?" Johnny furrows his eyebrows and looks at me confusingly. He then looks at the soldiers and lights up, "I am!"

The two actors were about to say something when I squealed. Johnny took a step back and cringed.

"I love you! You're such a great actor!" Depp had a puzzled expression, but I ignored it and went on. "How the hell did Jeanette and Danielle get you to do this gig? Where are they? Honestly, I'll have to give credit and deal with their annoying fandom with pirates—"

"Honestly, lass, I haven' the faintest idea to what yer talkin' about," Johnny replied and turned back to the soldiers, who were equally perplexed as Depp.

Completely brushing me off their shoulders, the two navy soldiers and Johnny turned to each other.

"So Mr. Depp, you're an actor?" The fat one asks.

"Er, aye, that I am, mate," Johnny replies with a golden tooth grin.

"What's your relationship with this, er, woman then? She seems to know you," The skinny one motions to me (I'm still looking at Depp not paying any attention, and refraining myself from glomping on top of him).

Johnny looks at me, with an uneasy expression, as if rolling in his head what he could say about our "relationship".

"Please s'cuse my sister, mates, she's bit of a loony. Poor soul was dropped when she was a babe."

The two soldiers nodded in understanding. "Well, Mr. Depp, as I said before, this dock is off-limits to civilians."

Johnny decided to ignore this and try to push their buttons, and change the subject. "Apparently there's some sort of high-toned and fancy to-do up at the fort, eh? How could it be that two upstanding gentlemen, such as yourselves, did not merit an invitation?"

"Is this some reenactment of the movie, or something? Seriously though, I know that this isn't real. JEANETTE! DANIELLE! COME OUT—" A dirty hand clamped over my mouth, and I averted my eyes towards Johnny. "Whaff?"

"Yer being loud and annoying. Shush," he says and takes his hand away.

The soldiers answered his question nevertheless: "Someone's got to make sure that this dock stays off-limits to civilians," the skinny one explains.

"It's a fine goal, to be sure. But it seems to me," Jack motions over to the larger ship I saw earlier next to the cliffs, "that a ship like that one, makes this one here seem a bit superfluous, really."

Wow, they really were reenacting the bloody movie. How much money did Danielle and Jeanette gave these people to pull this off?

The two soldiers look over at the large boat bobbing in the water and back at Johnny.

"Oh, the _Dauntless_ is the power in these waters, true enough. But there's no ship as can match the _Interceptor_ for speed," the skinny one says.

"I've heard of one," Johnny begins, "supposed to be very fast, nigh uncatchable: The _Black Pearl_."

The fat one decided to say something to that, "Well, there's no _real_ ship as can match the _Interceptor_."

The skinny one looked at his partner, "the _Black Pearl _is a real ship."

"Not it's not," the fat one argued.

"Yes it is, I've seen it."

"You've seen it?"

"Yes."

By now Johnny had edged away from the bickering couple and started to march towards what I assume was the_ Interceptor_.

"You haven't seen it," the fat one continued.

"Yes, I have." Man was this getting annoying. I just stood there as I watched Depp crawl onto the ship and to where the wheel is – what ever that place is called – and starting to grab the wheel affectionately.

"You've seen a ship with black sails that's crewed by the damned, and captained by a man so evil that Hell itself spat him back out?"

"No," the skinny one says after a hesitation.

"No," the fat one repeats.

"But I have seen a ship with black sails."

"Oh, and no ship that's not crewed by the damned and captained by a man so evil that Hell itself spat him back out could possibly have black sails, therefore couldn't possibly be any other ship than the _Black Pearl. _Is that what you're telling me?"

I was getting tired of this. This was one of the most annoying parts in the movie.

"ALRIGHT! The two of you! Put a sock in it," they both looked at me alarmed, so I added afterwards, "by the way, Johnny just went on your boat."

They turned heads towards the boat where they saw Depp toying with the steering wheel, then took off up to the boat. Seeing as I have nothing else to do, I decided to play along with this reenactment.

"Hey, you. Get away from there. You don't have permission to be aboard there, mate," Skinny said.

Johnny turned to face them and put on a fake apologetic face on, "I'm sorry. It's just... it's such a pretty boat—ship!"

I stood behind the guards. The more I thought about this, the more far-fetched it seemed. Jeannette and Danielle couldn't pull this off…They could barely afford to support their fandom. Why would the go through all the trouble? I eventually tuned out their conversation as I thought about my situation. Wait. I don't remember going to the house party at all…I don't even remember watching that god-forsaken movie with Jean and Dani…Because…I fell asleep! That's it! I must be dreaming…

**A/N: Well there you have it. She has entered the pirate realm. I tried to picture myself if I had been sent into the movie. Keeping it realistic is all I'm saying. I really doubt that I would conclude that I was in the movie that fast… The human mind is skeptical as much as you don't want to admit it. Anyway, I decided to put this up early, just because I'm slightly excited about this one, lol. But, the third chapter, I can honestly say, wont come out until later on this week. **


	3. I never liked Keira Knightly

**A Pirate's Life Isn't For Me**

**SUMMERY: **

An overall POTC hater is forced to go to a premier of the third movie. During which she falls asleep and is sent to the place she despises! Will she change her mind about pirates? Or she decide to mess around with the movie? SELF-INSERT. NO ROMANCE

**DISCLAIMER: ****I don't own POTC. I wish I did though. **

**A/N: **I want this to be the most realistic self-insert series on POTC. Since I can't really predict other people's actions, I'm going to literally put myself in the story because I know what I would do in those situations. Of course, if I hated the movie. I'm sick of all the I LOVE PIRATES AND I GOT SENT INTO THE MOVIE ones. So I thought "what if someone HATED the movie and got sent into it?" Obviously there would be a lot of humorous moments. Anyways, enjoy!

Chapter three: I never liked Keira Knightly

"And then they made my chief," Jack declared.

I came accustomed now, to refer to him as Jack and not Johnny after my little epiphany. If this is a dream, then I might as well make the best of this situation. It's my dream, right? I can do what ever the hell I want, and not care about the consequences. So my dream-mission: Ruin the movie.

This is going to be fun.

As I expected that girl—what's her face—Keira Knightly fell from a cliff.

We all paused as we watched the big splash into the water. I half wanted her to hit the rocks, but I knew that wouldn't happen no matter how much I wished upon it. "Will you be saving her then?" Jack asked, turning towards the Guards.

"I can't swim," one of the admitted, the other just silently agreed. He then looked at me, "Hey, I'm just the Looney-bin sister; I'm here for comic-relief, saving damsels in distress was not in my job description."

Groaning, he took off his effects and shoved them in the Guards' arms, "Pride of the King's Navy you two are. Do not loose these."

And with that he jumped into the water.

I turn towards the two Guards and swung my arms around awkwardly. "So… How'd y'all like your job? Y'know being guards for whoever you work for…"

"Oh, it has it's ups and downs," Skinny replied.

"It does give you a sense of authority even if you aren't one that comes off that way," Fatty added.

I nodded approvingly, "sounds interesting. And how much does standing around with a very large gun pay?"

Before either could open their mouth to answer Jack came up from the water flopping an unconscious woman on the deck and climbed up himself.

"Not breathing," Skinny pointed out.

"You astound me with your keen observational skills," I told him.

"Move," I hear Jack shove the two guards aside as he cuts the laces of the corset. Oh please, what a little pussy. I wore a corset before, and it wasn't so bad that I passed out. And look at me, I have a muffin top flopping over my underwear. Not attractive.

"Never would've thought of that," one of the guards said.

"Clearly you've never been to Singapore," Jack replied as he watched Keira cough up water and slowly came back to consciousness.

"I rather not know why you've been cutting corsets in Singapore…"

Johnny—I mean Jack turned slightly to flash a golden tooth smile before he turns back around and spots the golden thing around her neck.

"Where did you get that?" He asked her with a dazed look in his eyes.

And as expected that Snortington fellow comes in and tells Jack to get on his feet, who slowly does as Keira shoots up and flies into that man with the large powdered wig. I always wondered how they could support those things. They must've weighed a tone…

Anyway, I tuned everyone out after that. Wig-dude tells them to cuff Jack, Elizabeth protests, some words are exchange, blah, blah, blah.

"I believe a thanks is in order," Snortington offered his hand to Jack, who took it reluctantly. Upon which his hand grasped the commodore's, said commodore gripped it, and pulled up Jack's sleeve revealing the Pirate Brand.

"Had a brush with the East India Trading Company, did we pirate?"

Immediately the Governor hugged tighter onto his daughter as he commanded to have Jack hanged.

"But he is too pretty to be hanged!" I protested. Even if I hated Pirates of the Caribbean, that doesn't mean I don't think Johnny Depp is pretty. I honestly believe that when he was born, every baby that was born that year was born ugly, because Depp took everyone's pretty. What an evil sexy man.

At that moment everyone turned and gave me an odd stare, except Jack he gave a lazy grin. "She's got a point there, mate."

Snortington averted his stare back at Jack and ignored his comment. "Keep your guns on him, men. Gillette, fetch some irons," he paused as he pulled up the sleeve more up showing the flying sparrow tattoo.

How original. I've got a Jack-o-lantern on my ass, wanna see?

"Well, well… Jack Sparrow isn't it?"

"Captain – Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please, sir."

The Commodore ignored him as he looked back at me and raised an eyebrow, now making a point to make it obvious that he is bewildered by my attire.

"And who are you, might I ask?"

I opened my mouth to give him my name, but then I suddenly remembered that this was a dream, and I knew no one here… So I can just be any one that I want. Screw Marilyn Barrows.

"Marilyn Manson," I answered smoothly. I also had to hold back a laugh.

"Alright, Miss Manson, might I inquire as to what is your relationship with Sparrow?"

I could hear Jack clear his throat as if he was going to answer for me, but I decided to answer for him. I love messing up movies I hate. Well, I never got the privilege but I can tell I will love it.

"I'm his wife."

At that, Commodore Snortington's eyebrows rose high, Jack was gapping at me, Elizabeth looked a bit shocked, and her father was as equally as shocked.

"_The _Jack Sparrow is married?" The look on the powdered wigged man's face looked almost amused at this lovely, untrue fact.

"NO!" Jack suddenly shouted, "No, no. Not true. I am _not _married. Not to her, not to anyone. She is my loony-bin sister, she is. Cracked pot. Doesn' know when to stop lyin'. Isn't that right, _Marilyn?_" He said my name through gritted teeth.

I just rolled my eyes and put my hands on my hips, "Sorry to disappoint you, honey, but we're together, now and forever." I gave him an innocent batting of the lashes as he scowled, and then turned back to Snortington. "It was a whim thing, really. He asked me to marry him while he was intoxicated. He's in denial, he is."

Strangely the man nodded in understanding, probably because he thought this whole thing was utterly hilarious. I did too. Glad we were on the same page.

"Well," Snortington went on and drew his attention back to Jack, "I don't see your ship, Captain."

Jack opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off, "Oh, that whole Captain bit is all in his head, Commodore. He's a bit delusional ever since…the accident."

"Wot?" Jack questioned, his face utterly confused, "What accident? There was no accident! I'm perfectly fine!" All the while Jack was flailing his arms about like the lunatic that he was. Which just proved my previous point. Even though I was wrong, but he certainly did convince Snortington without my effort to make that work.

"Right," Snortington replied to him, letting the word hang a bit. "Well, I don't see your ship, _'Captain' _"

"I'm in the marker, as it were," Jack smiled, sending a brief annoyed glance my way.

Then, I decided to steal one of the guard's lines. I knew Jack would flip shits and hate me, but hey, I like pissing people off, it's what I do.

"He said he came to commandeer one," I said before Skinny opened his mouth.

Jack whipped his head towards me and his stare hardened. He's acting as if I betrayed him, when we hardly even know each other in the beginning.

"Told you he was tellin' the truth," I hear Fatty say to his colleague and then turned to Snortington and handed him Jack's effects, "These are his, sir."

Snortington took the things and started to examine them, starting with the gun. "No additional shot, nor powder," He pulled out that compass-thing, "A compass that doesn't point north…" He then unsheathed the cutlass and took one look at it, "And I half expected it to made out of wood. You are without a doubt the _worst _pirate I've ever heard of."

"I keep _telling _him that," I say before Jack could open his mouth for that witty reply. "I says to him, I says 'Jack-e-kins, you have to drop this pirate act. I don't want our kids turning into hooligans—'"

"Kids?!" I hear Jack shout. I can hear his brain screaming with annoyance and confusion. "Woman, we are not bloody married!"

At that moment, me and Jack started bickering. I, of course had to do everything in my will power not to laugh, because I was just making shit up about living on the farm and how he rescued my cat from a tree and how I used to make him wear wigs and how we first made love under the stars in Spain, and that one time when he caught me and Jimmy-John Junior Johnson the VII playing tonsil hockey that one summer in Brazil and got totally turned on by it.

Eventually, being bored of our bickering, two guards began to cuff our wrists. Yes, our, I don't know why, I didn't do anything. But I'm only assuming that he thinks I'm a pirate too by the way I look.

"Commodore, I really must protest!" Elizabeth shouts at her potential husband.

"Commodore, I _really must protest,"_ I mimic in a baby voice, receiving a glare from both Keira and Snortington.

"Pirate or not, this man saved my life!"

"What? Woman are not sticking together? I didn't do anything, why am I being arrested?"

Of course, no one is listening to me. Everyone has to pay attention to the girl that just died. The girl that's practically in her skivvies, if you could really call it that. Maybe I should drop my pants and accuse Skinny and Fatty for molesting me.

"One good deed is not enough to redeem a man of a lifetime of wickedness," I hear Snortington say.

"Though it seems enough to condemn him," Jack replied innocently.

"Better late than never," I mumbled. Oh so NOW people are looking.

Little cunts.

So just as when they were going to tug Jack away, he wraps his arms around Elizabeth and the Governor tells everyone not to shoot, I'm just in the background saying in a manly voice to shoot, and see if they mistake me for their boss.

Didn't work.

Elizabeth and Jack share a couple of words as she puts on his effects, gun raised up to her cheek.

"Gentlemen!" I hear him shout, "M'lady," that was directed to Elizabeth, "Nutter," that was directed to me. "You will always remember this as the day that you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow!" With that he pushes Elizabeth away, and swings on a rope and out of site. They started to open fire and shout until they were certain he had left.

After the soldiers left to go retrieve their escaped dead man, the Commodore looks at me.

"I didn't do anything!" I protest, but he just stares at me as a couple of guards take me to the cells or what ever.

"YOU'LL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER, SNORTINGTON! I _KNOW _PEOPLE! YOU'LL BE LIVING WITH THE PIGS IN A FEW YEARS! MARK MY WORDS!" I shout, but it goes unheard.

If they took off those ridiculously large wigs than maybe they could hear me!

**A/N: Well here is the 3****rd**** installment. I told you it might be a while, but I got it out. School has started, but I've only have 2 classes this semester so I will have more time to work on recreational things such as this. And I love the fact that I said there is no romance in this thing that I don't get as much hits as I wanted. Shows what most of the crowd wants :P Thanks for all the reviews and to the people that actually are reading my series. Love you all, & happy readings xoxo **

**LM1991: I do plan on doing a sequel and a trilogy, but I haven't decide if I want to just put them all in one story, or divide them into three different stories. **


	4. Filler, if I ever saw one

**A Pirate's Life Isn't for Me**

**SUMMERY: **  
An overall POTC hater is forced to go to a premier of the third movie. During which she falls asleep and is sent to the place she despises! Will she change her mind about pirates? Or will she try to mess around with the movie? SELF-INSERT. NO ROMANCES

**DISCLAIMER:**** I don't own POTC. I wish I did though. **

**A/N: **I want this to be the most realistic self-insert series on POTC. Since I can't really predict other people's actions, I'm going to literally put myself in the story because I know what I would do in those situations. Of course, if I hated the movie. I'm sick of all the I LOVE PIRATES AND I GOT SENT INTO THE MOVIE ones. So I thought "what if someone HATED the movie and got sent into it?" Obviously there would be a lot of humorous moments. Anyways, enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Four: Filler, if I ever saw one **

"I AM A WOMAN! I REFUSE TO BE MAN-HANDLED!" I shouted in pure outrage as the two guards dragged me down the stairs and to the brig. Before I could do any damage to their faces, they tossed into a lone cell.

"And how do you suppose a woman should be handled, dove?" One of the guards asked with a bit of a perverted smile on his pug-ugly face. "A little more gently," I said through my teeth as my hands gripped the bars, "preferable not handled at all."

My two captors started laughing and both bounded up the stairs and out of sight.

Sighing, I fell onto the floor, and for a moment I thought I was alone until I felt the hot rancid breath on my shoulder. I slowly raised my eyes to see a toothless man sticking his face against the bars, with his bacteria-infested tongue flopping out.

"Ah!" I scrambled away from the perverted geezer and into the corner of the cell.

"Aw, we won't hurt ya, lass!" A man that didn't look as bad as the toothless old fart said, "We just want a good whiff of ya! We haven't seen a young lady like yer self for a while…"

"Which is why I choose to stay way over here," I told them indefinitely, "If I'm going to be dead in the next day or two, I don't want to spend my remaining hours letting old men smell me."

With that being said, the rest of the prisoners declared me the bitch of the brig. I could care less, because in all honestly I wasn't here to make chums with anyone. I just want to get out of this fucking cell.

Hours passed. Well, at least it felt like hours. There was nothing in this place that showed the time, so it was hard to keep track. For all I know, five minutes passed. Either way, as time went by the more depressing this place got. As if it wasn't depressing enough. I flopped over to my back, suddenly realizing how hot it was down here. I whipped my forehead and groaned out loud.

"How can you guys survive the boredom down here?" I complained, "I will be dead before execution at this rate."

"Well, we used to pass the time singin'," Someone (I couldn't see who) answered, "But then we realized that we don' remember any of the words."

At that moment, singing felt like a good pass time. And I had a feeling that games such as Eye Spy or 21 questions would not work out seeing as they probably weren't even invented at this time. They probably wouldn't understand the concept of it, anyway.

At first I started to hum a song that I vaguely recalled what it was. But as the tune got louder in my head, I recognized it by Flogging Molly. It seemed fitting at the time, since I was in this goddamn movie.

"Sail away where no ball and chain, can't keep us from the roarin' waves," I started, and I could practically hear heads turn and eyebrows being raised. "Together undivided but forever we'll be free."

Someone snorted at that, but I continued anyway.

"So sail aboard our brig, the moon is full and so are we," I paused and let my voice raise a little more passionately, "We're Seven Drunken Pirates; we're the Seven Deadly Sins, oh!" I sat up so that I was sitting against the wall, my legs propped up, and my arms resting on my knees. "So the years rolled by and several died, and left us somewhat reelin'," It seemed this attracted the attention of the cellmates, as they gathered against their bars to get a closer hear. "Johnny Strummed his Tommy Gun, left blastin' through the ceiling. So what became the rebels, who sang for you and me? Grapplin' with their demons, in search of liberty!"

Letting one leg rest flat on the ground, my voice changed as I got more into it. I might be sick of pirates, what with my friends forcing it onto me like a missionary to a slipping teenager, but when it came to drinking…or Flogging Molly, I let the whole over rating of pirates pass.

"Suffers who suffer all, can swim upon the desert. Where avarice can be ravaged all, in spite the good intentions. Don't fill your mouth with gluttony, for pride will surely swell! But nothing is unforgiven in the four corners of hell!"

I was startled when my fellow prisoners began to cheer – I didn't deny, that the lyrics to most of FM's songs sounded like songs that pirates sang, with the exception of things that are mentioned in the songs, like Tommy Guns, that weren't even heard of at this time. But it seemed like no one in the cells was paying much attention to details, but at the upbringing the song gave them. Like their time wasn't over, and they weren't dying in a moment's time. And the thing is, if my memory serves me correctly, that these guys don't die. Doesn't a cannon ball come flying at a wall at some point in the movie, and they all escape?

It might've been only an hour here with them, but the idea of them having their freedom brought a small smile on my face. Prison really does change a person.

"Sail away where no ball and chain, can keep us from the roarin' waves, together undivided but forever we'll be free," By now, it seemed that a couple recognized this as the first verse and began to join me for the next line.

"So sail away aboard our rig, the moon is full and so are we, we're seven drunken pirates, we're the seven deadly sins."

By now all the inmates were grinning toothless smiles and repeating "We're the seven drunken pirates, we're the seven deadly sins."

Moving up closer to the bars, feeling like 'part of the gang', and safe from groping hands, I started the next verse. "Envy and its evil twin, it crept in bed with slander; idiots they gave advice, but sloth it gave no answer. Anger kills the human soul, with butter tales of lust, while Pavlov's Dogs keep chewin' on legs they never trust."

Again the group joined in for the chorus, but our volume rose to a higher level when the words "Seven drunken pirates, we're the seven deadly sins" came. I had a feeling that this would attract attention, but what do I care? This is a dream, it's not like I could feel physical pain, right?

"But it's the only life we know! Blagards to the bone, so don't wreck yourself, take an honest grip, for there's more tales beyond the shore! Woo!"

By now, people were drumming on the bars, tapping their knees, or whistling, which really reminded me of the song. It was probably a trick of the mind, since this was all technically in my head as I am asleep. But we were cut off by the pounding of feet rushing down the stairs. Now for the buzz kill.

One of the guards, who was all hyped up on adrenaline and probably smack, reaches the bottom of the stairs and raises his pistol and shoots the ceiling to shut us up. He looked fairly young, probably in his 20s, which in this day and age pretty much counts as a middle age man. He reminded me a lot of Garrett Hedlund, though, but with less height and more fat.

"That was not necessary!" I shouted, despite my better judgement.

He turns to me with a crazy look in his eye – like Christian Bale to the Light Guy – and gets red in the face. This guy obviously hasn't gotten laid for a while. My guess is that he hasn't gotten laid since his wife decided that being over weight and lazy was in.

"You're singin' isn't necessary!" He shouts back rather immaturely.

And because I am what I am, and at the moment I feel very unoriginal, I shout back, "You're _face _isn't necessary!"

That did it. Whether he understood my choice of words or not, he knew I was insulting him. He was just about to reach for his keys and give me a Chris Brown smack down, when a very loud 'OI!' broke through the tension, and the crazy Christian-Bale guard stopped in his tracks and looked up with his comrade to see a couple of guards struggling to get down the stairs.

"Open up the brig! We've got a live one! Jack Sparrow!"

The name obviously struck people's attention as both of the new guards dragged the unconscious body of the pirate down the stairs, and waited for Christian Bale (my name for him.) to open up an empty brig that was a cage away from me.

Once the door swung open, they just tossed the man in the pile of hay in the corner. It was at that moment I wondered – why the hell didn't I get a pile of hay in my cell? Discrimination against women… If it wasn't the 18th century right now, I would've _so _slapped them with a lawsuit.

Mr. Bale turns to me after he locks up the brig, but just when he was about to do anything, the other two guards announce that Snortington wishes to see them all in the meeting room. He sends me one last glare and points at my face, "I will be back." He turns to leave, and just when he is about to trot up the stairs, a smile creeps on my face.

"Ah, the years rolled by and several died, and left us somewhat reelin'. In and out came crawling out, and spewed upon the ceiling. So what became of rebels that sang for you and me? Grapplin' with their demons in search of liberty!"

That obviously struck a nerve with the guy, because his knuckles went white around the railing, and he gave me cut eye. What's this guy have against music, anyway? Did his mom not sing to him as he hung from her tit or something?

"Cox!" Someone shouts from the floor above us, which immediately catches the attention of the giant testosterone cell. "I'm coming!" he shouts up at his superior before giving me the evil eye and then disappearing. Just when he was out of ear shot and safely upstairs, I snorted.

"His name is Cox? No wonder he's so bitter and angry."

"Ya' have a death wish, dontcha, lass?" Said my toothless brig-mate. I looked casually over at him and shrugged, "I've been in worst situations…"

I trailed off as I distinctively remembered that one time when I decided it was a smart idea to wear a blue bandana to hold up my hair, in a red-area, if you catch my drift. I haven't seen so many pissed off black people in one place.

Turning my attention back at the slumbering pirate a few metres away from me, I couldn't help but stare at his face. God he's hot. Yeah, admit it – after all it's Johnny Depp. But even though he looked adorable as he drooled on the pile of hay that I will one day steal from his cell, a very diabolical idea birthed itself in my already diabolical mind.

I pulled out an elastic band that was around my wrist, and then picked up a random rock off the ground. Loading it up, I took aim making sure it was in perfect alignment with his face. Upon releasing, the self made sling shot worked its magic, and the rock flew into the air hitting the unconscious captain square in the forehead.

Growling, Jack shook himself a wake, placing a hand on his forehead, where a small little scratch appeared, "Wat the bloody hell…" His eyes lifted up to across the brig, where I sat in my cell.

I waved at him innocently, with a creepy and fiendish smile on my face, "Hiya, ho~ney…"

Jack's face visibly dropped to a new level, and he looked over at the other cellmates and asked in a miserable way, "I'm in hell, aren't I?"

"Welcome to Oz, bitch!"

Hah, I couldn't help myself.

* * *

**A/N: Alright, I know I promised to have this out in Feb, but every time I tried to write it, I got not drive to do it. I haven't gotten a lot of drive to write for a while, or do anything productive. I think it's because school's out, finally, and right now I just want to do relaxing things, like watch TV, read, get hammered, and sleep until 4 pm. But, today, I finally got off my ass and decided to write this. I apologies if it's short and kind of uneventful, but ****it's better than nothing, right? Though, there is a hint of character development in Marilyn already, and a new character that you should all take note of. **


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